That was then, this is now. Time to learn to live. To experience the feelings you numbed for years no longer to conceal. Time to admit, to confront, keep pressing. Onward, forward. Time to heal. Rip the bandaid off for once and for all.
Years spent either feeling everything or nothing, running only to finally take a breath and find a resting place to exist ever so passively. A place to give up. In people, she did hide. To be loved, the only ambition. Nights of wine and cigarettes to dull the ache, always a twinkle in her eye for you, able to believe others could rise above. Be more. This she believed but not for herself. Giving everything to everyone else until there was nothing left to take. A shattered shell of a girl . Nothing enjoyed in moderation except life. A life of empty excess. A textbook cautionary tale.
But that was then… and this is now
You can try and strive your whole life touting the best of intentions ;being a “good” person and it will never be enough. Selfish ambition and vain conceit motivate many efforts …
I learned at my very “best” my heart could be untruthful and mislead me. In order for the truth to “set me free” I had to first shatter the lies that had deceived me.
There is no good in me but that of Jesus. He alone justifies.
How many times will I take back what you’ve forgiven? Why do I lift my arms only to clench my fist? All this I lay down at your feet, all this to show me I am weak. Apart from you I can do nothing, won’t you lead me to walk in freedom? How long until I remember my own reflection? Struggling with the same old indecision, I’m nearly running on fumes. All this to show me you are strong, all this to grow me all along.
You were there. You knew the pain I held back behind my eyes, the secrets I buried deep into my heart. The truth behind every smile, the lonely cries that went unheard fell on your ears. It was you who sat with me every restless night, stood with me when I went into battle. When words could not form on lips cracked from tears, you held my hand and stilled my fears. It was always you. It will always be you. You are my safe place.
What am I afraid of? Why do I hesitate?
My light has been suppressed, not let out to bless this city swallowed by darkness. The storm rages on and I see you beckoning me to you, I am coming. I glance back at this boat, I know that life. But I want you. My eyes find you. You know me by name and I go to you …the storm rages on… as I look around me, I begin to sink. I cry out to you and you uphold me.
Give me courage and strength to leave this life I know, boldness to step out and free fall into the majesty of your grace. Faith that won’t deny you, strength that does not hide. Oh that I would let out these gifts you’ve given. I long to see your face
I had heat some time ago, in my veins and in my soul. I kept waiting for the opportune time to let it out, to see the spark create. But I waited in vain. I looked for one of flesh and blood to nurture the dreams I couldn’t afford. I chose to let it burn out before it could ever burn bright. I covered, I hid,
I was afraid of my own strength, didn’t recognize my voice. Edit. Cut. Tear. Erase. Time was squandered on the waste .
The walls have started to cave in as breathing becomes more shallow with each gasp.These physical walls in a real house and the internal ones built as a little girl to keep the darkness out.The walls in which you reside are also where you hide because you’ve forgotten you.You’ve been inundated with false messages for a lifetime finally let them fade into the Light. A collision on course! Let these walls fall down so that I am moved into truth!
JoyinthaJourney 