JoyinthaJourney

Hey, you. Waking up with the same dull headache and burning eyes as the week before… Not sure where to turn for “help”; fighting a losing battle for too long. Exhausted resources, spirit sore

Hey,you. Learning to live chronically unwell. You keep pressing on and plowing through. I know you’re looking for answers and giving it your best shot but it hurts to not be believed or seen

Hey, you. Your life is good. You’re doing everything you should but something’s still a miss.. your mind just won’t quit, you’re ashamed to admit sometimes you cry and don’t know why

Hey, you. The scale won’t budge. The cravings won’t stop. The waiting and aching. Hey, the Wounded by the ones you love the most. Hey, you Invisible. Silenced. Persecuted and ostracized. Hey, you trying to just get through the day

I care. And I know the one who sees .

I don’t want to. hang on, too tightly, to a season that will end

Each stage. Each Phase. Has it’s highlights. victories. wars to win.

With tears and fears it’s often hard to “cherish every moment” through the years…my heart palpitates under the pressure that I’m not . Not feeling the way I’m supposed to. Am I drinking every drop?

I can’t afford to mourn:

The way your cherub face transforms before my very eyes, rubber band wrists replaced by slender limbs.

The delicious milky scent of your velvet skin made a little rougher

The syrupy sound of your voice. Tender and innocent . This too shall pass

Your hand in mine, the way your tiny frame crawls into my lap freely knowing no boundaries

The intensity of your feelings in the middle of a tantrum, your eyes never looking this bright as you make your case, even if irrationally

I love right now. The present gift.
I’ve grieved what has been. Memorable learning experiences to carry all my days.

I have not enjoyed every tiny moment while I was in them, I am not capable of grasping the significance

Sorry, honey, neither are you

I’m in no hurry to advance onto what’s next but I know I’ll not love it less.

There’s a certain twist of joy knowing all good things must end, freeing you up to truly enjoy them, then

My heart was built for eternity and this is not it

But I’m going to drink every drop

I’m not the mom or wife I want to be nor

The woman I thought I’d see staring back at me

Inside me there is bubbling over, a desire greater than myself to win this war of mediocrity

I want to give you my upmost best whole self instead of the pieces often left

It shatters me to know when I’ve let you down, I usually just assume that I have.

Where is my comfort in this? Where lies my hope? Do I keep striving?

If I leave you with nothing, teach you but few lessons, know this; that in my weakness HE is strong. And will never. Ever. No. Never. Let you fall.

Started out buoyant and now it’s back to this, drowning in dreams of what I may never do or be. Enjoyment in the gifts I hold escapes me, life just feels too heavy to bear.

The shame that follows is excruciatingly sticky, a tar that won’t let up. Am I being punished? Am I not enough?

I’m stuck inside a body that wants to attack me. I thought with the shield of faith surely I would withstand but the arrows extinguish me

I’ve nearly given up hope. Yet I must go on and live I want to tremendously. This fog is thicker by the day, I may look fine but I am NOT okay.

Chasing symptoms down a rabbit hole of further bewilderment, certain death seems imminent.

The thoughts. They slice open any semblant of peace, if my days on Earth remain then surely this pain will cease. I want to run. I need release.

Anger. Building within me, not fuel for the fight but enough to entrap me. My body groans and spirit cries out to the one who formed me, what will my life become?

Was I too arrogant to believe it could change? That new life would course through these veins and I would emerge, transcendent? Did I not commit my way to thee?

I resolve that I am not my own. Do what you will. Give me strength to accept it. To stand.

The taste of the world has turned sour to my soul, bound for heaven, I ache for my true home

take away this skin of sin that entangles me and I will be free, I renounce all I used to be

Shedding the pain, losing the weight and living for your glory, take this life… write your story

Hope is here, it never fully left. Slicing through the surface of my castaway heart, you shine on me like a flare in the dark.

Reignite these dying embers, arise my sleeping soul. It is only you Jesus. Awaken me to your salvation and make me whole.

I lay this pride at your feet, I give you the ashes of defeat. I’ll gladly boast that I am weak and you’re my song.

Reignite these dying embers, sprout up fruit from this soil, all good that I possess is your work alone. By your blood and nothing less, will this life atone.

I heavily inhale the familiar air. I smell the scent of Saturdays gone by as the summer breeze tickles my temples. In the senses. In the distance: A cook out. A bonfire in the making. A lit cigarette nursed in a busy hand that has held too much wine. The promise of a surprising evening while the sun is still in full splendor.

There were many nights I aimlessly wandered, enjoying the lonely freedom to surrender. I as well can recall the ache… to name a place and a face *home”.

I have always craved the safety of routine while fighting the urge to run

I know there is more than the landscapes I will face in this life

For now I will set my mind on things above as I forgivingly dismiss this sentimental mood

And I remember

I don’t want to.

I can’t seem to muster up the strength to clean up the same messes, again, today.

The outside rain; a dreadfully perfect backdrop for this terrible mood. My stomach is bloated again and the acid churns it’s way into my chest and throat, continually burning like a lit flame.

I won’t play the guessing game of what I ate, I’ve been merely sipping water. I survey the room of unpacked suitcases with contents that present opportunity and warmer days, but even the warmer days didn’t take her away from herself.

It feels as though spring will never come and I will forever fight this battle of pressing through.

I just want to get it right. All of it. A good steward of both time and gifts, eyes fixed on eternal things. But I’m stuck in these moments and they feel permanent.

Lord, guide me through this fog.