JoyinthaJourney

Will noone follow after God with me?

This road paved out for me is mine alone and yet I do not walk solo. God be with me now as I am overwhelmed with myself, unable to articulate the unseen weight of what I carry. It isn’t safe to express the depth of my loneliness. I will not resign to sucumb to a torn condition, my devotion to God be tested… let me see but a glimpse of my future perfection

Will noone help me hold these arms up?

Short, desperate spurts of prayer. I beg to be purified, to know you’re in there. Selfishly asking for more proof, yes, I know the truth. But I need the signs, throw me a line. And don’t cast me from your care .

Will truth continue to be forsaken?

I will follow and not look back although my heart betrays my strong resolve, a brave face even if merely crawling, I finish this race… make it so. Make it so.

The only way out is with you

Sometimes, I just want to go home. I want every task to be complete, for the final time.. a sense of closure I’ve never known. No more checking boxes. No more left unknown. I realize what I am longing for is a specific whom and place. I am nowhere near ready by comparison to the owner of such an estate. Further still, I have many I want to take home with me.

It isn’t as though there aren’t enough distractions here to lure me, I am not immune to even temporal shine . I also love the life I live and intend to live the life I love. But I have eternity written on my heart. Sinking sand Will not be the land is which I choose.

There is work still to pursue, I cannot leave it unfinished, I must see it through. He will close my case, everything appropriate in its time.

Everything seems accordingly scattered, my brain in a muddled state to match. A place for everything. Everything in its place. What am I to be doing in this undoing sort of day? I haven’t the energy to lift this shade of gray.

The only way out is through, I abhor a mess, give me tidiness, the promise of a return to a semblance of innocence, I miss the people we used to be and yet I knew only a coerced change would set us free. Make us see. The sun slicing the haze, strength to fight the fade .

Every day isn’t bright but there is a light in every day, it burns in me no matter how I feel.

Two alike, nearly to a threat, stealing a brief moment to skip stones in a creek. A simple moment of pleasure captured by their greatest admirer. The tensions are there but the love rises higher.

I don’t know where this little transmission is going but I know I’m oozing from my heart spout

What’s on my mind? Should I let it lay low? It’s good to have some mystery about yourself or didn’t you know?!

Swimming head and running thoughts waiting to land for either relief or to inspire. I feel if I don’t use this life I’ll expire. Bursting and nowhere to go.

Sensitivity is a strength without a suitors aspiration. I get sad when I feel unseen and it’s a sin to disdain rejection this much. I’m confident and sure until I play the comparison game, how lame

I once tried to start a peaceful protest but even that I couldn’t do, right. I want to understand what I don’t understand. I have compassion but I’m tiring out. I knock on doors but you pretend you’re not home

I can’t watch the news or visit social media, gives me the blues. Where is the tenderness? Genuine connection?

Did I say all of that right? Am I making sense? Do they hate me? Should I apologise? Let’s replay the conversation a hundred times. I just wanna live my life,

I’m free until I ask for permission.

Souls lost in the dark. Willful ignorance. I just can’t unsee. Viruses and riots. Oh my. I take it all in and start to spin

Reading between the lines is there subliminal meaning between the text? It’s a lonely world with all these resources at our disposal and you wanna be distant?

Sensitivity is a strength without a suiter’s aspiration

I’m free until I ask permission

No legacy to leave. No parting message to impart. If my life leaves you anything but Jesus, what worth is it to now implore? I will be forgotten. Maybe not today. And perhaps not tomorrow. But my life, a brief mist I’ve been chasing to control. I can’t care anymore what you think of me. I can’t desire your affection or afford your affinity.

I’ve been living for a world not built to last, with eternity in my heart, this duality certain to tear me apart. I’m done. White flag. Surrender. I let my ugly show. Let the shadows in my life point to him. Let the victories in my life point to him. If it’s not for him, then it’s for me. And this just can’t be.

I surrender. The need to be understood. The desire for control of your perception of me. Take my routines and plans and thwart them for you alone have set and numbered my days. What could my hands do that you haven’t already seen?

I surrender. But while I grieve still I will live. I will love. I will lead. I will laugh. And I will fear only him and keep his commands, this.. THIS is the whole duty of man.

Sometimes a mom just needs to cry alone, in public, at a coffee shop out of town with some delicious hot apple cider.”What’s wrong”? Nothing. And everything. It’s the pork chop I made for dinner the other night that I didn’t sear or cook correctly( for the umpteenth time making them) for my husband.It’s being cooped up inside the house with sick kiddos for over a week and replaying the sound of my yelling over and over again until I feel physically ill. It’s striving to do and be better than what you had & It’s knowing you will likely yell again unless a miracle occurs. It’s every second of every day wanting to “enjoy every moment ” with them (insert eye roll) and seething with the annoyance of being told that. Because noone enjoys every moment of anything. It’s knowing I’ve got one shot at this parenting and marriage gig and I already feel I’ve failed. The Christian sister -friend or two who were rude and dismissive, hurting you in precisely the way they KNOW gets you the worst and won’t apologise. It’s feeling overlooked. Unappreciated. Undervalued. It’s striving to be a light in this world but feeling like I’m merely clawing my way out of the dark. It’s seeing the world deteriorate to death while the remedy lays before them.Feeling guilty. For everything. Trying to fight for truth, justice, goodness, and abiding in HIM and endure. It’s a war with bodily and mental health aloofly floating along . Scared to confide. Ask for prayer. Don’t need a lecture. Yes, I know I need to trust God and be thankful… Lord. Help my unbelief!!It’s spiritual warfare… PMS..and adulting is just hard. Yes, even living in a beautiful house in the suburbs with a beautiful family . Yes, even . Knowing God. Loving God. Yes, even having more than enough. Being healthy . Pretty . Or smart. Satan can’t have my soul but he can try to take me down and steal the life Christ died to give me. Some days it looks like he’s winning, but as I take my long needed exhalation, I feel a little more ready to stand once more.

Sometimes I’m heavy, sometimes I’m light

What a weight I can carry, what a strong fight

Underestimated and imperceptible, I’m in good company

Can’t define me

God chose the foolish things to confound the wise